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I'm Tired of "The Game". Just Speak My Truth
Submitted by BigSend on Fri, 11/30/2007 - 4:02pm.
Without going into all the gory details, I approached this
girl in the gym and wrote a journal entry about it called "Speaking my Truth in Set" where I basically let her know my values, let her know what I'm about, and I noticed we clicked very naturally.
Fast forward to a few days later, I tutored her and things went a bit sloppy. I didn't write about it on my blog, but I did make a post on my local lair and the Ideagasms forums and basically got some killer advice—I deviated off my path. That is, I stopped being my truth and tried to play the "game" with her.
So as expected things pretty much went nowhere with her for a few days, about a week. I even decided to just delete her number as like a self punishment and motivation to move on. But then she sends me a text randomly just saying "Sending to say Hello" and that was all. I was at the gym, in a bit of a meditative state, focusing on "I AM" and letting my mind settle on this fact. For some reason, I was inspired to send her back "I am" and that was it. (By the way, I know it was her number, weird area code and texting style).
We began the usual "game" banter on the text messages and it suddenly occurred to me I was falling into another ego trap. I did not want to lose her, so I played into her game. It has been drilled into me by experience, readings, and just common sense that if you focus on what you want, it will come to you. That is "The Secret" in a nutshell. I switched gears. She thinks I look like this guy Lance Bass from N-Sync who is apparently gay. Now I don't know shit about that band so I was clueless to this, however she would banter me back and forth with "are you the straight Lance Bass?" and I'd banter back with "Only one way to find out" blah blah.
It was kind on amusing, but we weren't getting anywhere. So I texted her back with: "Funny you ask. I only date bisexual or at least on some level bi-curious girls. Only love in my house. Remember we can't truly be ourselves till all insecurities are gone." (our first meeting I spoke my truth and told her I believe we can only be our true self once the mind is free) Now that set a new tone. She stopped with the texts for a good 45 minutes, which I didn't mind since I try to stay at least 80% focused at the gym. I then send her another text message "I believe you are hiding something behind your humor. I trust my gut. It's gotten me this far." "If you're defensive it means it's true. Otherwise I'm wrong. Either way I thought you were cute but it's too hard to communicate with you. To see what you're really about. Oh well."
Spoke my truth in all its glory. She then sends me texts back saying "Are you saying you don't want to be my friend, I want to be your friend" I know this is her trying to stay light though the thickness I sent her way. I send another one back her way "My gut tells me something is up here or maybe it's just that text messages suck and I can't tell. If you're for real, call me otherwise, no."
There I said it, basically I have no interest in being friends with someone who is acting this immature, I want to see the real her. She sends another back my way saying "Oh so you just wanted to nail me, not be my friend." Oooh I love these tests, now we are in business, I get a chance to tell her more of what I'm about. "I never nail a girl just for fun. To me sex without emotion is masturbation. My answer is both friend and nail only IF you are cool with it too. If not, I respect your choice" "Told you I am honest and upfront when we met. That is who I and the people I let into my life are. Take it or leave it babe. Yes I think you're cute but I require more."
And she replied back with "Then we're on the same page."
Now I am not sure what the future lies with me and her, we texted some more and eventually we just stopped, it got late anyway she said she went to bed. Either way, I dropped the stupid banter and just went straight honesty. Just straight up: who I am. It was a bit delayed since we started texting at like 6pm and ended near midnight, with breaks in between of course. Probably 20-30 send and received. I spoke my truth and it was her truth too. Perfect.
Tell you the truth, I am getting tired of constant banter, it is cool when you first meet a girl and want to banter occasionally, sprinkled in a conversation, but keeping it real, speaking your truth feels SOOO much more liberating, makes me feel so much more open and just keeps my juices flowing. Banter, to me, is just salt-n-pepper. Truth is meat.
Now if this girl comes deeper into my life, I do plan to let her (and all people very close to me) know about my blog. My life is changing so much lately (especially my inner understandings) so I find it so trippy reading my old blog posts, especially the ones I took offline (I just cannot identify with them anymore almost). This is such a great lesson for me, this is about the first time I took a complete 180 and turned a completely banter ridden interaction into truth. I just stopped the banter and asked a truth question, no fear, no regrets. In fact, I was almost waiting for her to text me back with "Fuck you pervert" or whatever half the time, especially when I told her I only date bi-sexual/curious women. It didn't happen.
And even if she did reject me after my risky texts, I wouldn't want her anyway. Looking at how cool Stephane's girl friends are, I would never want a straight girl over a bisexual one. It's like light versus dark.
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