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Can Paul Newman Teach a "Bad Man" How to Reach His Goals
Submitted by sdh on Wed, 10/08/2008 - 9:18pm.
In my last post, I got an interesting response from a NYC PUA called "Bad Man".
He said:
"Candidly, this is the most dead-onl post I've seen, on the critical side, of the community. I asked Vybe (of the NY Lair) that question too. I pose it pretty regularly - how many guys have come through the community and found someone that they wanted to marry, and then married that woman? If not too many, why not?
I wonder if pickup artists are doing themselves more harm than good too.
My goals were, however, to learn to approach, to get laid more, and to have more selection of who I took home. I achieved every goal I set, but that means that at 33 I'm living with success as defined by my 27 year old self.
Now that I'm looking to date someone seriously, my skills aren't worth a whole lot, as the community teaches men how to get laid, but not how to be a mature partner in a relationship."
The line that really stood out for me was:
"I wonder if pickup artists are doing themselves more harm than good too."
It reminded me of a book I read called "The Paradox of Choice" which explains why you can flip through 500 channels on cable and still feel like "nothing is on".
You can actually have too much choice.
It's funny. Like Bad Man mentioned, one of the reasons for joining the community is to have more choice about who we date.
Believe it or not, if you get good at pick up, you may find that too much choice is a bad thing. It can actually decrease your satisfaction in your relationships.
How?
In the book, Barry Schwartz explains the concept of a "maximizers". A maximizer is a person who is always looking for the best.
Sounds like a good attitude, right?
Well, the downside is that a maximizer is consumed with the thought that there is something better than what he has.
Being a maximizer means it's impossible to ever be happy with what you have.
Do I have the best possible job? What is the absolute best car to buy? Is there a better girlfriend for me out there?
And the truth is, there is always a hotter girlfriend, a cooler girlfriend etc.
You NEVER have the best.
See the problem now???
Being a maximizer is a prescription for not being happy with any decision or commitment you make. Maximizers are more likely to be depressed, stressed out and anxious.
The alternative is to be a "satisficers".
A satificer is someone who makes a decision or commitment when their own standards or criteria are met and then, they don't look back.
Yes, the standards can be quite high - this is NOT a suggestion that anyone "settle".
But once you find that girl, you take yourself off the market. You stop "opening sets", stop wondering how that girl is in bed, quit telling yourself you can have that waitress if you want her.
Sounds hard?
Maybe.
If a maximizer is stuck, he will be always comparing himself and his girlfriend with others who seemed to do better. He will notice everyone who has a hotter gf.
Don't fall into this trap.
Instead notice all the girls who aren't as hot as your girlfriend.
Notice when your friend's super hot girlfriend acts bitchy and take a moment to be grateful that you have such a cool gf.
Make a point to notice all the great things about her and let yourself actually feel fortunate to have found her.
If you are a disciplined dude like SPG, you can even write down in a notebook two or three things every night or morning.
I remember a quote I recently heard from Paul Newman who was widely known for having an awesome 50 year marriage to Joanne Woodward.
I think we can all agree not many men have ever had more choice than Paul Newman.
When asked about being faithful, he said "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?"
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Maybe one should think about
Maybe one should think about 'Why do I do Pick Up?'
Being more confident?
Being successful with women?
Being cool?
Sharing love with someone?
Getting laid?
What is it you guys want to achive doing Pick Up?
What would happen if suddenly everything you do is a success?
What would your life look like? And what now?
There is a point where you change your goals. When something that used to motivate you seems to be ridicules now. That is the time to move on.
When goals change, people change, your view on the world changes other things start to be important. Thats when you have to change your behavoir and tools aswell. Take a close look at Pick Up and ask yourself:
Is this tool right for achieving my goal? Or do I have to pick something else?
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