No More Mr. Nice Guy - An Intense Realization

Sometimes the truth can come at you so hard you have to step back. This post is going to be very personal because I got hit in the face this week with a powerful truth. At first, it hurt, but now I feel very hopeful about living an authentic, happy life going forward.

I was recommended the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover (www.monormrniceguy.com) in my last AMP coaching session. At first, I didn’t think it would be that useful to me, mainly because I haven’t been very nice lately. Well, I got the book and I was floored at just how much that book hit the mark.

I’ve found myself underlining two-thirds of the book! So much for skimming.

First, there was the list of characteristics of the “Nice Guy Syndrome,” and the ones that apply to me:
Nice Guys seek approval from others. Most everything I’ve been doing has been to seek outside approval or validation, and I’m seeing just how deep it goes.

Nice Guys avoid conflict. I can’t remember how many times I’ve avoided subjects (especially with regard to my son) that I thought would upset my wife. Oh, but it gets better! Because Nice Guys often use sex as a means of personal validation (something I recently discovered about myself prior to reading the book), they’ll avoid doing anything that might cause their woman to be “not in the mood,” and if she’s upset, they’ll do anything to fix it. I could write a whole post just on this nugget.

Another example, just the other night, I was so afraid to talk to her about my son’s weekend schedule, again for fear of causing conflict. Even though I knew the right thing to do, it was still something I really wanted to avoid. Yes, it did result in a conflict, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I didn’t give in to the urge to immediately resolve the conflict and make her feel all better. So in the end, I asserted what I wanted, kept my power, let her work through her anger, and felt much better about things. So that was a positive example of “doing the opposite,” and something I wouldn’t have done if I was primarily concerned with making sure I got laid instead of getting my needs met.

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. Yep. Can’t let people find out I’m imperfect, or a geek, or whatever.

Nice Guys seek the “right” way to do things. In my case, looking outside to see whose “doing it right” before doing anything.

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men.

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. Or, in my case, even admitting to myself what my needs are.

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Um, yah. Just look at my BLOG!

I had a really intense feeling when I went through that list and found in about 80% congruence with the list. I realized this was ME he was writing about. On the one hand, I felt intense sorrow that I’d been living such a compromised existence and on the other, I felt this realization that I could finally understand myself and get myself out of this situation.

The other thing he talks about - and keep in mind this is just the first chapter – is the “Dark Side” of being a nice guy. And here’s where it got really intense for me. I’d just had a huge fight with my wife and said some nasty things. I’ve felt so much rage toward her lately and been this awful person. So I thought, how can a guy whose so angry and mean-spirited possibly be a “Nice Guy?” Then he goes down the list of the “Dark Side,” and these are the ones that fit me:

Nice Guys are dishonest. They hide their mistakes and say what they think people want to hear.

Nice Guys are secretive. They are so driven to seek approval they will hide anything they believe might upset anyone.

Nice Guys are compartmentalized. For example, separating my past affair from the “good deeds” I’m doing for my wife.

Nice Guys are manipulative. They have hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want clearly, so they feel powerless and result to manipulation.

Nice Guys are controlling, in order to keep their world smooth.

Nice Guys give to get, and expect some kind of reciprocation.

Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.

Nice Guys are full of rage, a rage which tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times. This is the ironic part. It's my "Nice Guy" behavior that's creating this rage inside (and there's a LOT of rage) that's resulting in very "Mean Guy" behavior.

Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries, and instead feel like victims.

Nice Guys are frequently isolated.

Nice Guys are attracted to people and situations that need fixing.

Nice Guys are terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem. And all this time I thought I was a good listener!

Nice Guys form relationships with partners who are “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.”

Nice Guys have issues with sexuality. They’re dissatisfied with their sex life, have a sexual dysfunction, etc. So, so true. While I know I’m unhappy and have needs that aren’t being met, and while I don’t even want to STAY in this relationship, I STILL can’t get myself to be assertive about what I want sexually. Still stuck.

Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful, and fail to live up to their full potential.

And Nice Guys tend to swing back and forth between the nice side and the dark side.

So on the "nice" and "not nice" characteristics, I was about 80% congruent with the lists he wrote.

Oh wow!

After reading through all that, I had to put the book down and come to terms with this realization. It brought out so many intense emotions, thoughts and questions. After a couple days of really getting present and appreciating what I was feeling, I sensed this was the “heart of the matter” that I’d been searching for all this time.

The essence of “Nice Guy” thinking is “If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met and have a problem-free life.” When it doesn’t work, Nice Guys try harder. Yep, that’s me. Even going through a lot of the seduction community work has been a search to find what others say a “successful man” should do.

Nice Guys also think they can figure it all out on their own and don’t ask for help. Mmm hmm.

The sticking point for Nice Guys is a deep-seeded belief that there is something inherently wrong with them which causes important people in their lives to abandon them. It is a “toxic shame” that one is inherently bad, defective, different or unlovable.

For me, it’s a deep belief that I’m a bad person, unattractive, un-cool and unlovable. That I don’t deserve to have needs and should be ashamed of them, that I don’t ask for my needs to be met, and nobody would ever want to give me what I want and need.

Just seeing that and realizing that this belief was formed very early in my life, before I had a choice, and that I’ve been carrying it around all this time, was profound. I felt sad and liberated all at once, sad because I realize how unfair I’ve been to myself and all the missed opportunities, and liberated because now I could begin to replace that lifelong belief with something positive and authentic.

Using this book in conjunction with “Non Violent Communication” has been amazing. I go through the book, these feelings come up, I can deal with them honestly. I can begin to see the need behind the feeling validate that need and create choice in how I get that need met.

Additionally, my Hypnotica meditations are more profound, because I can reprogram some very deep thoughts.

So what’s changed so far? Well, mostly, I’ve just been wrapping my head around this reality. But there have been a few a-has. First, my fear of other people, this sticking point with eye contact, I can see how my old belief and the approval-seeking behavior led to this fear, so I can give myself some approval and feel the fear just disappear for a while. In those moments, I get the sense “this is what normal feels like,” and it’s liberating and inspires me to keep going.

Another thing I’m doing is directly facing the bad emotions as they come up. Some thought triggers an emotion, and then up to now a response. Now I just allow that unpleasant emotion to stay there and really feel how it feels inside. Usually I’ll realize it’s not that bad of a feeling. In fact, eventually I’ll get bored with the feeling and just go on to something else – instead of responding, I just hold the emotion until I tire of caring about it, and then it slips back, but without the power it used to have.

It’s profound. I’ve been using this on feelings of jealousy and perceived wrongs with respect to my wife and it’s been awesome. I don’t have to “go there,” and these thoughts don’t bother me. Since they lack the power, there will be less and less reason to go back and access those thoughts. This may be a little off the “Mr. Nice Guy” topic, but it’s all blending together right now.